I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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