O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
