everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He? As in you personified your dick?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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