My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
