eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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