im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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