The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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