maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
