I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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