I think im going to throw up on grandma
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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