I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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