Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
