I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize