I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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