I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
