hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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