i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
