seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
