I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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