Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
