i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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