I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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