went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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