I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
