u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
