I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
