your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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