I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
