Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
