I wannas sexs uuuuu
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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