TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
