I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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