decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
