its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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