i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
