Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
