What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
