Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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