I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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