first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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