The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
