I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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