ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
