my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
