i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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