I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
