i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
