My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
