i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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