my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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