Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
