Soap is not a condiment
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
