i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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