ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
