Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize