Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
