i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
