even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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