don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize